


Mine Own Hands

by violawrites



Category: A Song of Ice and Fire & Related Fandoms, A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin, Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-28
Updated: 2016-05-28
Packaged: 2018-07-10 17:39:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,749
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6998173
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/violawrites/pseuds/violawrites
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>"I buried him with mine own hands, in a place he showed me once when I was a squire at Storm's End. No one shall ever find him there to disturb his rest."</i>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	Mine Own Hands

The night was already over for most of the inhabitants of Storm’s End. The castle had been humming all day with preparations for the wedding that would soon take place there: menus were finalized, dozens of roses were delivered from Highgarden, and Margaery’s dress was given last minute alterations. Though Loras had never been one for garish celebrations, even he had to admit it was going to be beautiful. The next morning Renly would be married to his sister, sealing the alliance between Houses Baratheon and Tyrell. Though Loras and his sister had been close since they were children, he was still choosing not to dwell on the fact that he would be watching the love of his life marry another in a matter of hours.

The rest of the castle retired after dinner, but Loras had other plans, ones he hadn’t been able to stop thinking about the entire day. Instead of going to bed he had kept the candles lit and laid awake in his chambers until the moon was highest in the sky. This was the time he and Renly had agreed to meet when they’d decided to go through with this plan. He was still dressed in his formal clothing for the day, feeling as though it was most appropriate for the occasion.

He walked as quietly as he could through the castle halls before slipping outside into the darkness, feeling the chill of the night air. Storm’s End was quiet; eerily so, and for once even Loras appreciated the silence. Loras had heard the servants and stable boys whispering about him and Renly when they thought they were out of earshot. He wasn’t naïve. Loras knew the consequences and what it would mean for both of them if the details of their relationship were ever made public. The risk to be with his love was worth it though, every time he saw Renly he was reminded of that. In moments like this when there was no one else around he allowed himself to pretend things were different. To imagine what life could be like if he and Renly were allowed to be open with their love.

Although Storm’s end was perched on the edge of a cliff – which had terrified Loras when he’d first arrived there as a boy – there were small patches of forest on the outskirts, and it was one of these that was Loras’ destination. The spot had been Renly’s choice, a giant oak that could easily have been a heart tree had it been planted farther north. When Loras had first come to squire for Renly it had been one of the first places he had taken him, the Lord of Storm’s End recounting the memories he had of playing there when he was a boy. Of course the official wedding the next day would take place in the sept, but somehow Loras thought this setting was more meaningful. The two of them had often come there when they needed an escape from the rest of the world, disappearing for hours at a time to be together.

When he arrived he found Renly was already there waiting for him, a smile appearing on his face when he saw Loras. It was going to be just the two of them that night. Loras had contemplated telling Margaery about what they were going to do but decided to keep it between him and Renly, not caring whether it was selfish of him or not. There were some secrets that needed to remain between the two men. When Renly had first suggested this idea to Loras shortly after his betrothal to Margaery had been announced he’d laughed at first, not knowing the other man was serious. As he had given it more thought Loras realized how much he wanted to do this, more than he’d ever wanted anything else.

In the woods they had no septon, not that any would have agreed to perform the ceremony for them. Still they recited the words together, the air cold enough their breath mingled in front of them as the two stood close together and spoke in unison.

_“Father, Smith, Warrior, Mother, Maiden, Crone, Stranger, I am his and he is mine from this day until the end of my days.”_

The words echoed slightly, and once they had repeated them, neither seemed eager to say anything else, letting the vows speak for themselves. Loras took Renly’s hand and led him back to the castle, the frosty leaves on the ground crunching under their feet.

 

* * *

 

It had been two days since Stannis Baratheon had killed Renly. Loras hadn’t slept and had barely eaten anything despite Margaery’s insistence and kind attempts to bring him food. The other men in the Rainbow Guard had tried to tear him away from the body but even in his grief he pushed all of them away, not caring who he hurt in the process. No one was going to keep him from his King in life or in death.

The third morning after Renly died the rest of camp woke to find both Loras and the body gone, with no trace of where they were headed. This was exactly the way Loras had meant it to be, needing to make this journey alone. After days of travel he arrived back at Storm’s End in the middle of the night, exhausted from riding without stopping. Loras had stolen only one thing between the time he’d left and arriving at Storm’s End; a horse strong enough to carry both himself and Renly. He’d tied the horse to a tree just outside the far side of the forest, welcoming the trial of carrying Renly’s body the rest of the way on his own strength.

Loras’ mission in coming here was not to be social or to please anyone else for once in his life but to fulfill his duty as both lover and knight. He knew it was his job to bury Renly and make sure his King would be well looked after even in death. There was only one place he could feel safe letting Renly be at peace, one place where he felt confident the other man would have been satisfied as his final resting place; the oak tree in the middle of the forest. As soon as Loras came up with the idea he knew it was right. The two of them had never talked about their wishes if something like this were to happen. In the time they’d spent together most of it had consisted of playing their roles of Lord and Squire and when they were alone they were almost always otherwise occupied, but Loras knew how much this place had meant to Renly.

He knelt down and began to dig, the question of how long it would take to accomplish not even crossing his mind. The earth was already frozen and too hard for the blade to cut through the dirt smoothly, causing Loras to let out a huff of frustration. It was almost as if with every strike the Gods were asking him if he really wanted to do this and giving him one more chance to back out. This time he was not going to let Renly down, not again.

Loras’ vision was blurred by tears the longer he dug causing it to be almost impossible to make any progress. He stood up for a moment to take a breath and wiped the sweat from his forehead when he suddenly realized he hadn’t been there since the night before Renly and Margery’s wedding when they’d exchanged their own vows. The thought caused a fresh wave of tears, and the raw, stinging pain in his chest he was now convinced would never go away. Loras sank to his knees again, feeling too weak to be upright any longer. His hands clutched at the ground, desperate for anything real that would bring him back to the present.

That’s when the anger came. Loras had never been especially skilled at controlling his temper and the knight while in mourning was no exception. He was angry Renly had left him, angry the burial he was giving his lover was nowhere close to being fit for a King, but mostly he was angry at himself because it was all his fault. None of this would ever have happened if he hadn’t told Renly he should be King in the first place. Somewhere in the depths of his heart he knew even then he wouldn’t have traded the time he had with Renly for anything. The only way Loras was ever going to forgive himself was to avenge his lover’s death. He would be single-minded about it as he always was about everything else, even if it meant giving his own life in the process of killing Stannis. The irony was that Renly was the one person who could get through to him in moments like this when he needed to be calmed and reassured that he didn’t have to get angry.

By the time his tears stopped and his breathing returned to normal he was done digging. The lines in the palms of Loras’ hands were black with dirt and it was under his fingernails, even pressed into the cuts he had on his legs from kneeling on the ground for too long. He didn’t notice the sting anymore, was too consumed by his grief to notice anything. Once the grave was filled in Loras sighed deeply and took a seat beside the freshly packed earth, suddenly feeling as though whatever words he might say wouldn’t be enough. He’d always believed actions spoke louder than words and hoped everything he’d done for Renly had been enough.

The sun was rising as Loras finally started walking back out of the forest, rays of light streaming through the trees and giving it an almost ethereal glow. It wasn’t the last time Loras would come to Storm’s End in his life, but he knew despite the many memories he’d made there this was the moment with which he would always associate this place. Some time later he would be asked by Ser Jaime Lannister if he knew what had happened to Renly’s body, and his answer would be a simple one.

_"I buried him with mine own hands, in a place he showed me once when I was a squire at Storm's End. No one shall ever find him there to disturb his rest."_


End file.
